Blame
by Fleur06
Summary: aken from Michael dying onwards how it should of ended Can Kerry stop blaming herself & what happens when another team member goes missing, will it tear them apart or bring them closer. Has many parts from the show with added bits /petitions/bring-back-meg-jackson-on-wentworth.htm l - please sign to bring Meg back to Wentworth it can happen
1. Chapter 1

_**Another fanfiction, ever since I heard a rumour that Kerry and Lawson were meant to get together after Michael, died which would have been oh so so so good, I decided to write it the way it should have been done before the writers changed their mind, damm them. **_

_**As usual if your after a Lawson/Shannon this is definitely not it **_

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Walking out of the hospital away from her team, the machines turned off, she had lost another team member, one of her younger ones again, Michael sitting next to his bed she mumbled "Michael I'm sorry I'm sorry I should never have sent you" just as Tash walked in and said "Michael is no longer able to breathe for himself the ventilator is the only thing keeping him alive" how did this happen, was she so caught up with the Raineys and James and wanting them to pay that this happened she made a piss weak excuse to Lawson about it, about results not mattering she went into defensive mode the need to say it wasn't her fault, she did the right thing no here Michael was dead the machines keeping him alive she didn't want to listen to what Josh or Lawson said, the only one was Charlie who didn't think she did anything wrong was Charlie. She stood at the doorway and watched his parents as they turned off his life support, did they blame her did they even want her there, she had to be there she was his boss the one who got him into this, did they know that or realise her face etched with grief and sorrow watching as he took his last breath.

Walking back into the base, looking around it had been a long long few days, shit the Rainey's she would love to put them all behind bars forever, Liam now gone, and old man Rainey in hospital, Col behind bars, James without a finger, she did have a hidden agenda for getting the Rainey's maybe Michael wasn't up to it. Her conversation with Lawson _"Rainey's are personal for you" I said "he threatened me, he kidnapped my son and cut off his finger no, nope its not personal" Lawson's face was so close "what I'm saying sometimes you want something so badly all you see are the results" maybe that is all I saw "what what results don't matter" _

Sitting at her cubicle, opening the drawer, getting out the bottle of scotch, pouring herself a glass she needed to drink it is what she did when to cope, shit the reports that have to be done she had to be the one to hold everything together to be the leader. Michael dead and James minus his thumb why did it all have to turn to shit, remembering the conversation with Josh at the hospital "_you knew didn't you, you knew he was at risk" I thought i could fix that after the photos was sent to her, i knew they were watching him "why didn't you tell me" I didn't tell anyone my problems I could fix them myself I thought "you can't be the hardest nut all of the time Kerry" she didn't want to look at Josh she had done that to James "you might a shit mum but you're a good cop"_

Closing her eyes she was the one who had to talk to the team telling them about Michael she can still see them sitting or standing there finding out how he was all of them waiting for news anything about him and she had to tell them the end of it "_obviously it's not good" I could hardly say that. None of it is" I had to say "we did everything we could to get him back there might of been things we could of done differently that is for tomorrow" _Then I had to walk off back to the station it had all turned to shit seeing Mia there on Amber's lap I had forgotten about Mia about the poor little girl lying there walking down the corridor the grief etched on her face.

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Walking out of the hospital, watching as the team walks away, looking as Kerry walks down the hallway, he knew the death of Michael hit her hard, he knew her better than she knew herself sometimes, despite what she said, he knew she would blame herself she saw herself as a failure when Grace died she was the leader of Tactical Response, was this partly to do with her anyway she never did take responsibility for most of her actions but this had hit her hard he could see that.

Turning to Shannon "I'll see you tomorrow, I'm going to check on Kerry" seeing Shannon nod at him, did she actually want to spend the night with him, she had been acting so strange and weird lately, needing space pushing him away . _Then in the hotel room with Frank Reynolds on the screen what was going on there I had to ask and had a fight, she had been so secretive lately all I wanted honesty her reply "just stop it just stop it" I wanted answers_.

Driving away, Kerry had been spending so much time at the base now working, she was a work alcoholic previously but now she was tired and worn out and all of this, the time spent trying to bargain and get Michael released, he can't believe it was actually Charlie who was able to get the minister to sign the papers required for Liam's immunity. She was looking tired the new position and now this he could tell it was all taking its toll on her but he knew her well enough to know she wouldn't stop, she couldn't show her emotions.

Pulling up at base it was dark but there was her car, pulled up in her usual spot, the locker room lights turned off, the place nearly in darkness.

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Pouring herself another glass she had lost count how many she had by now, there was wine to drink if she ran out, she was going to risk it all to get Col Rainey she saw Michael walking up even then she still was so tempted to go ahead with it, she was going to risk it all, she should of stuck to it then and got Michael out, damn Charlie "_Kerry you can't do this" "watch me" I said Charlie continued "you're going to screw the entire investigation" "I don't care" I didn't care payback was all that mattered pay back that word Charlie was not going to give up "thousands and thousands of hours policework Kerry what are going to tell the task force what are you going to tell them " didn't he realise "I am the taskforce" he still continued but i wasn't going to change her mind "you're angry I get that but this is bigger than you and Rainey" didn't he realise this is my son no one messes with James "not today not today" then i saw him walking up "shit" looking at the screen I was torn I still wanted to send them in, I put my hand through my hair after staring at the screen I finally said it "stand down we're not doing this_" after telling Lawson to get out of there I had to walk away I was pissed off I couldn't get the Rainey's but in the end I said to Lawson _"it's a whole lot bigger than an assault on some kid" _

Hearing footsteps approaching her cubicle, turning around "what are you doing here" seeing her rub her hand along her eyes, the toll is being taken on her, her elbows resting on the table. He knew he couldn't come out and say how she was doing, also she would see right through him anyway so shrugging "I left some stuff here I had to collect" seeing her raise her eyes at him, saying nothing "I saw your car here"

Looking at Lawson, he came to check up on her leaning slightly forward "You came to check on me …. I'm fine Lawson, go home, go to Shannon, go out and get pissed do what you need to, tomorrow isn't going to be any better than the past few days, in fact it will be worse"

Sitting down near her he wasn't going to go home and leave her here, nodding at the bottle on her desk "you keeping that to yourself"

Giving a short laugh remembering back to when she first started "I thought this was an alcohol free zone"

Smiling at Kerry, yeah he remembered when he said that, the first impression of Kerry was one he would never forget he didn't' want her in tactical response "you changed that rule pretty quickly"

Shrugging at him "It was a stupid rule Lawson, I don't see anyone complaining about it Get a glass" looking at her she had been drinking for a while "I think I'll have a long way to catch up with you"

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Leaning back on her chair a while later "do you ever wonder why you do what you do" looking at Kerry "what do you mean?" shrugging "we put up with shit day in day out, helping people who shouldn't be helped, the scumbag , people go straight back to what they were doing, the people they should escape from, each day we risk our lives and for what?"

Leaning back in his chair "there are some rewards that come out of it, we save lives, Tactical response has helped reduce crime"

Interrupting him "yeah yeah, I know all of that, but why do we do it"

Looking at Kerry was she going to give it up "It's a job I love, we help people, and most do need our help, I think we make a difference "

Giving a short laugh at Lawson "you were always the optimist Lawson"

Shaking his head "you always think the worse of people"

Emptying the bottle of whiskey "The Rainey's are scum, yet here we were, running around getting a stupid piece of paper to give Liam immunity, I really couldn't of cared what happened to them especially that piece of shit, those bastards hurt my son, they killed Michael, we get paid to protect people like that, what does that say about the world, where's the justice in that"

"NO one said Life was fair Kerry, we have to live with the cards we are dealt with"

Putting the papers back in the folder, looking up at Lawson "any wine in the fridge"

Shaking his head "Nah, only beer" tilting her head slightly "never see what you like that stuff for"

Pushing up out of the chair "I'll see you tomorrow, I'm going home"

Getting up of his chair "You're not driving" rolling her eyes at Lawson "No, just because I got caught once, Lawson they were wrong then. I'm going to catch a taxi"

"I'll give you a lift" raising her eyebrows at him "Lawson I'm fine, go home, I can catch a taxi" shaking his head "stop being so stubborn, just let me give you a lift"

Staring at him "last time you gave me a lift, you left me stranded in the car park, making me late for work"

Rolling his head back laughing "You couldn't even remember where you had left your car, I wasn't your father, I came and picked you up at least" walking out in front of him turning around "and left me there, don't know why you came at all"

Raising her eyes as Lawson walks over and opening the door for her then closing it behind him, there were parts of him that actually were sweet.

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Arriving at her place, turning to face Lawson "I'll see you tomorrow" walking out the door watching as Lawson opens the driver's door, hearing his voice "what about a thank you Lawson" turning to face him smiling "thank you Lawson" walking up to the door, seeing Lawson just standing there staring at him "what"

"What about a coffee?" shaking her head "it's too early for coffee" seeing his eyes looking at her "You can have a wine"

Watching as Kerry walks to the door, he didn't want to go home alone, it was too late to go to Shannon's for some reason he didn't want to, he wanted to stay with Kerry, the need to protect and help her he didn't want to leave her by herself.

Walking over to the table, putting the bottles of wine down, before putting her feet up on the table staring straight ahead "why did it have to happen, it is so senseless, Michael his life taken so early, Grace we lost her too, if only there was something I could of done differently"

Reaching out to touch her he knew she would blame herself eventually "there was nothing anyone could of done to prevent this"

Raising her eyes at Lawson "Really that's not what you really think", _Her conversation with Lawson earlier on "they need a tactical operator to support Saltos" he replied "that's all he should be is support he's not the main guy" then he realised he was all I got_ it was her fault not one to admit it but she was responsible for her squad for Michael, deep down she knew Lawson and the squad her and Charlie to some extent, she had people to answer too, and her own personal vendetta these people hurt her son, she should of taken them out and down, she should of pulled Michael out.

Looking at Kerry he did say a bit to her previously _she had said "it was Michael's call we have to remember that" I said "like he was going to say no like he was in any position to shut it down with the Task force reved up behind him to bring it home" he had said a lot to her about it but Michael he knew would of done it trying to prove he was good that was Michael _"Michael made the decision in the end to get in the car with the Rainey's it was his decision, we all thought there was backup and there wasn't"

Not looking at Lawson but down fiddling with her hands, despite what he said she did feel partly to blame or was it the task force "I wanted the Raineys so bloody much what they did to James, I pushed him, he was the tactical operative, no he said he could do it and I pushed him to it"

Putting her hands to her eyes, the only time she had cried was briefly in Michael's room when Tash came in, she looked up at here before looking back at Michael the tears forming in her eyes, Grace sweet Grace, she failed as a leader there, she had only been in charge of TR for a short time. Wiping her eyes around her face she had to face fact she had lost 2 young team members whilst she was in charge of Tactical Response.

No matter what she said to others, she was in charge she was the leader and now this was the second time she had failed.

He felt for Kerry, she was vulnerable, there was something about her, she was tough on the outside but underneath it all she was vulnerable he had seen her nearly fall apart once when they tried to find James he had seen her cry once when Grace died he wanted to take her home then to ensure she was ok but she didn't want anyone to see her cry to see her anything but in control "you can't be a tough nut all the time Kerry, putting his arms around her shoulders pulling her towards him "It wasn't your fault Kerry, You got what Liam wanted you didn't pull the trigger"

Fiddling with her hands she kept going through it all so many times, the phone call from Liam, _"I've got something you want" it took all of her strength he wanted immunity and it was up to me to save Michael to get him out of this at first I thought we had gotten him with the car but no that would have been too easy, the negotiating with Liam for Michael's life knowing one step wrong could end it all, trying to get that bloody letter Anna bloody Vargis refusing to sign for it was that when I realised how hard it was going to but wouldn't admit it I was going to get Michael out of there and get Liam what he wanted, hoping he hadn't said good bye on that final phone call, finally getting the deal for him she must give Charlie more credit for what he did, each time she closes her eyes she can hear the "shots fired" and the screen showing what happened her eyes glue to it, it had all gone ok she was going to get Michael back then Tash's voice "Michael's parents have given permission to turn off his life support" that one sentence haunting her_

Looking up at Lawson "I might as well have, I pushed him to put the drug buy back on" _even when Liam kept changing it what did I say to Lawson "he is just playing hard to get" I did believe that it was all going to plan and we would get them. Even Lawson said "too many changes" it Michael's call but I thought he would keep to the plan we had the GPS in the bag though then his wire went dead and the GPS bag was found. _

Staring into Kerry's blue eyes the sadness in them "Charlie was the one who fired him in front of the team, Michael had something to prove, nothing would of stopped him" looking back at Lawson "I asked Charlie to fire Michael" he knew that "Yeah I guessed that Kerry but you didn't ask him to do it in front of everyone, to humiliate him" interrupting Lawson "what does it matter now"

_Remembering the conversation she had with Josh "He's just trying to prove something" saying to him "you know this or this is just a given" why didn't I listen to him "I know Michael" Charlie saying "I talked to him he didn't see a problem" Josh was right with what he said next "of course you didn't you humiliated him you're the one he wants to prove wrong, you got to pull him out" I should of done that realise then instead "Josh this is the last two hours of a very big operation, he can handle this" _

nodding at Lawson he did have something to prove you should of realised that but you didn't you were too caught up in the Raineys hearing Lawson's voice "You didn't do this Kerry, you didn't ask Charlie to do it in front of everyone, Michael was always like that, he could of walked away he was he was trying to prove something" thinking back to the conversation he had with Kerry at the hospital did he actually believe that _remembering Kerry saying "this was Michael's call we have to remember that" his reply "like he as going to say no, like he was in any position to shut this down with the task force reved up behind him to bring it home" after hearing Charlie's reply "too many agenda's Charlie, Michael took a bullet because the suits were on your back and you wanted results" Kerry had stayed out of it for a little bit until she said "you think we haven't been through this, what exactly did you expect us to do" _

Maybe I was harsh on her, then, seeing her now she did blame herself she hadn't had much sleep but I should of known what she was like not showing what she really felt and doing her job was on top of her list. Despite it all he would do nearly anything for Kerry, he would help her but even that he did think that Kerry could of done things differently.

Thinking back to it all, was there something else, the gps in the money bag, when they threw that away in a way I knew it would take a lot to find him again there was a slim chance he would get out of it alive, why didn't they maintain the outer cordon, why did he get in the car, the raids and he didn't report in his check in time it went then Anna Vargis on TV "she can't help herself" talking more to herself "maybe I could of done something different, something more to stop or prevent it" remembering coming back to base, met by Leon, she had forgotten about Mia there, picking her up walking down the corridor her eyes filling up with tears "what about Mia she is so young"

Looking at Lawson briefly "Lawson I'm fine just go" Turning away from Lawson she didn't want him to see her cry he had once and she had hated it the thoughts there it was all building up, Michael, James the whole lot she could still see it, and hear "_shots fired" seeing them carry Michael down the pier racing him to the ambulance "cool heads everyone, everything is in place" I thought it was all ok the shocked look on all our faces, the blood all over his face watching as the paramedics worked on him_, they had revived him she thought that was it he was going to be ok that the slim chance was there this was it I wanted that hope even after all those years of working in the police force

Seeing her turn away from him before looking at him the sadness in her eyes he wants to hold her, to protect her maintaining

Turning to look back at Lawson blinking back the tears she has to be strong, seeing Lawson look at her, his eyes full of care wanting to turn away but unable to, her gaze not moving. Seeing Kerry turn away before facing ahead he could tell she was barely holding it together this was a side no one really saw she was a tough nut seeing her look at him he can't turn away, his gaze meeting hers he should move away but he can't leaning slightly forward towards her he finds his mouth moving slowly down towards hers stopping centimetres away as her blue eyes pierce through him before moving down to hers as their lips meet very briefly.


	2. Chapter 2 - Aftermath

Looking at Lawson her eyes connecting with his, seeing his lips move down towards her, she is stuck there, she can't move her eyes not moving away from his, as his lips connect with hers, his kiss so soft and gentle

Moving slightly away from Kerry his hands moving up to cup her face, stroke her cheek, he has to feel her lips again her eyes not moving from his, his hands still on her face his eyes searching hers as his lips meet hers, this time his arms move around her, pulling her closer to him, feeling her respond more this time, the kissing intensifying.

Feeling Lawson's arms around her as the kissing becomes more passionate, her arms move around him, standing up from the lounge, nothing said between them, feeling Lawson's hands unbutton her shirt, as it slips over her shoulders to the ground, her hand moving under his shirt around his firm stomach before taking his shirt off over his head.

As his lips hungrily kissing her, his hands move to her zipper of her pants, fumbling as he undoes it, as they fall to the ground, feeling her hands unbuckle his belt and undo his zipper, quickly taking their shoes off as his hands move up under her shirt moving around before undoing the buttons, feeling her hands under his shirt moving up and down his chest before taking his shirt off

Looking at Kerry lying there his face only inches from her, her body nicely toned and firm, he had seen her naked before, it was years ago now and briefly, looking at her bra and undies on, moving his hands down quickly taking her undies off, before his lips move down to her stomach.

Feeling Lawon's lips on her stomach, was this really happening, was Lawson next to her, feeling his hands move up her body, as he fumbles with her bra, feeling him pull it off her. A shiver going through her body, at his touch as her eyes meet his unable to pull or move away from him before her lips his, their kissing becoming more feverent and intensifying with each kiss. Her breathing increasing and becoming more rapid feeling his lips moving down her neck and body before her hands move up to his head her mouth moving to his lips, shit this is feeling so good as his lips move around her body.

Looking up at him her eyes meeting his, damn she wants him so much as his lips meet hers again, feeling him lower himself on top of her as his lips make their way around her body, feeling him entering her as her hands move to his bum and her lips meet his.

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Snuggled against something or was it someone her head leaning against something her arm drapped across his body, her eyes opening slowly focusing on moving slightly, feeling something wrapped around her, a head against hers, looking around her eyes opening wider her face looking she would know that face anywhere the one so close to hers. Why won't that noise shut up, the number on her clock standing out 7 am, damn it's her alarm a new day dawning, a day she didn't want to go to work, a long day ahead of her the whole team, debriefing, reports, pysch and more. The arms holding her tighter her as she tries to move her arm still drapped across his body. Her hand still on him as she looks up at the front "oh my god", she didn't even need to look next to her, the memories of the night before flooding back, it was so tempting to just stay in bed not move, not to face what lay ahead, she was tired, she had no idea when they finally tried to get some sleep they had moved up to the bedroom she thought he was going home before the kissing started again and the sex to all hours of the morning, it was very early hours of the morning or even later before they finally slept or she thought he had left. She knew exactly what had happened between them, she had a fair bit to drink, but the touch of Lawson still there, his lips on hers. Pulling the blankets over, wrapping them around her, as she sits up slightly, watching as Lawson stirs, pushing him gently "oi, sleepy head, get up and out of my bed" before lying back down wanting to forget it all, hearing his voice the same smart arse she knew "How you'd be"

Shit, why won't that noise stop, his arm under a weight, opening his eyes looking around, trying to focus on where he was, looking up at Kerry's amused face watching him "Oh shit" before small smile on his face "how you'd be"

Her eyes looking at Lawson she thought he had left, moving away sitting up in bed wrapping the sheets around her leaning slightly over him what are you still doing here, "why haven't you gone" looking at Kerry "I can't move my arm" looking down at him, slightly to his side "well move it" realising she was still sitting on it, looking as he pulls his arm out, running his hand over his arm in an exaggerated "you've been sleeping on it for an hour …. Or more" moving away from him as he continues "I've lost all feeling down the right side of my arm, could have had a stroke" moving away from him sitting on the other side of the bed away from him seeing him rubbing his arm still hitting him "get out now" then pushing his back "go"

Sitting up in bed, the memories of the night before flooding back, what had he done, not only had he slept with his boss, but he had cheated on Shannon, seeing Kerry's eyes look at him her eyes raised quickly a smirk on her face as he rubs his hands across his face shit.

Watching as Lawson puts his undies on moving her eyes away moving away from the bed towards the bathroom she would never tire looking at him, his body toned and muscular she can still remember how it felt to run her hands down his chest their eyes held as his lips met hers his touch was so gentle, turning at the door looking at him "Just go Lawson"

Turning the shower on letting the water move over her body closing her eyes she can feel his touch against her his lips against her, shit has she made things more complicated it was going to be bad enough dealing with everything she knew Lawson probably wouldn't tell Shannon rubbing her hands over her face the day was going to be difficult enough as it was and she had gone damn Lawson why couldn't he just leave her alone why did he have to be so caring.

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Walking out of Kerry's towards his car turning to look at her townhouse, what happened last night, shit Kerry was his boss why did they go there again he didn't even have much to drink. Sitting in the car, his hands planted firmly on the wheel, staring straight ahead what was he going to tell Shannon, should he say anything, he knew if Shannon did find out, not only would she be furious with him but Kerry would also, the whole team could find out, pulling away from Kerry's not even looking or hearing the car horn blaring at him his hands gripping the wheel, not only did he have to see Kerry every day but Shannon also, banging his head on the wheel at the traffic lights not even noticing they had turned green, the horns blaring behind him he can't even hear. He can't go to work yet, knowing he had to go in and soon, the team relied on him he was the team leader the one who kept the team together, shaking his head Charlie could actually do something for once, no this was Charlie's fault, he kept pushing Michael, he fired Michael

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Walking into the locker room Charlie looks around "anyone know where Lawson is, he's late" looking at Shannon more than anyone else on the team before looking around seeing the blank look on their faces getting no where as usual "you all need to be back at base at 2 pm for pysch etc "

Turning to her friend as Charlie walks out "where is Lawson?" shrugging at Stella "I dunno, he went to check on Kerry last night?" seeing the smirk on her face turning away from her dialling Lawson's number listening as it goes to messagebank where on earth was her boyfriend.

Hurrying into base the day not looking forward too, seeing Shannon and the team walk out of the locker room, seeing Lawson not here what did she do the previous night sleeping with one of her team's boyfriends her eyes lingering on Shannon for slightly longer trying to erase the guilt she was already feeling calling out to them "guys just take it easy today, I will understand if you don't feel up to it, just come back at 2 pm" seeing them shake their heads probably wanting the distraction hearing Stella's voice "no we want to work" looking at her with concern she would have to be blind not to know how close Stella and Michael were "ok" walking closer to Stella "Stel" seeing her walk over "I will understand if you need time off" shaking her head she can't have time off "no Kerry I need to work, I can't… I can't be at home" nodding at the Senior Constable "ok just let me know if you want time off" as she starts to walk off she looks up seeing Shannon near by "Kerry, do you know where Lawson is?" trying to keep her voice neutral shaking her head "No why, what, he's not here yet? Have you tried calling him?" nodding at Kerry she didn't give much away or show emotion she remained hard most of the time "I will keep on trying then, he said he was visiting you last night?" wanting to bite her lip and move her eyes around instead remaining of focussed on Shannon "he came and left soon after …. Just keep trying to get onto him"

Walking down the hallway getting her mobile phone out "Lawson, get your butt here now, you were due at work an hour ago" hanging up shaking her head where was he?

Driving along hearing his mobile ringing again this time Kerry's name coming up, stopping at the traffic lights his eyes lingering on the phone, a few missed calls Shannon and now Kerry staring straight ahead his hands gripped on the steering wheel not seeing the lights turning green, or hearing the horns beeping behind him. Shit what had he done he didn't' want to face either of them he knew he had to be at base at 1 pm to get ready for the day ahead and reports to be done. Putting his foot down speeding off no particular destination in mind.

Hearing his phone ring again glancing down seeing Shannon's name letting it go to message bank seeing Kerry's name appear answering it "yeah" hearing her voice "Lawson, where the hell are you?" not letting her continue "I'll be there at 1 pm" hanging up as he hears her continuing

Seeing Kerry look at the phone as she hears the engaged signal "you little shit, hanging up on me" tossing her phone across the room curiosity there, Kerry and him had problems if you would call it that fighting previously this, what was happening. Turing to Leon trying to control her voice "Lawson isn't coming in" looking at Kerry her face firm "do you want me to let Shannon and Charlie know" nodding raising her eyes "how else do you think they'll find out" not wanting to say the obvious seeing Kerry still looking at him raising her eyes "yeah…. Now Leon".

Sitting in her cubicle her head in her hand rubbing her hand over her eyes in a way relief that Lawson wasn't coming in until later, she didn't want it to ever happen again or ever talk about it. The paperwork in front of her shit she didn't want to do this she had failed again and now this, pushing the paperwork off her desk looking at in on the floor bending down picking it up looking up seeing Leon's concerned face "what Leon" shaking his head what was he to say, he knew she wasn't alright but wouldn't admit it, didn't want anyone seeing her fall apart, he was sure there was more to it than just Michael's death and something to do with Lawson did he blame her for it?

Looking up as Lawson walks in the communications room moving her chair out of her cubicle "nice of you to finally show up" glancing at Kerry the look on her face the sadness there but it was also replaced with another look aimed at him one he had seen plenty of times she was pissed off at him "the paperwork is on the desk over there" looking at Kerry "Isn't that Charlie's job he is the one in charge of Tactical Response" rolling her eyes at Lawson she thought they were over that "Grow up Lawson, Charlie is out on the road considering we were short today" her eyes meeting his the glare in them "you hang up on me again" leaning towards Kerry interrupting her a smirk on his face "you'll do what Kerry" looking up at him her blue eyes piercing through him, her voice firm "do you really want to see ….. get out of here"

Walking out of Kerry's cubicle shaking his head looking up as he hears the cars return back looking as Shannon gets out of the car, glancing at her then back at Kerry walking over to the desk looking at the paperwork unable to focus on it. The images of the night before replaying in his head why did he let it happen, why did he go up to her bedroom why didn't he stop it before it went any further he knew what he was doing he had to work with both Shannon and Kerry. Picking up the papers walking up to Kerry's desk dumping them on them "I can't do this, I'm out of here"

Watching Lawson walk out and towards Kerry's cubicle hearing his voice there was something happening there, they were both acting weird looking up at Kerry her eyes fixed on Lawson turning back to his desk quickly.

Walking out of her cubicle calling out to Lawson, following him outside away from everyone reaching out touching his arm "Lawson" taking a deep breath she didn't want to talk about it she needed her team together for her Senior Sergeant to pull it together "we need to forget what happened Lawson just move on" looking at Kerry "Just forget it ever happened" nodding at him raising her eyes "yeah" looking away from Kerry and around before looking back "it won't affect my work if that is what you are worried about" shaking her head. Why was he so hard to talk to and stubborn, was that part of the attraction "It already is, Just pull yourself together" his voice bitter not looking at Kerry "pretend like none of this ever happened" nodding at Lawson "It happened Lawson and there is nothing either of us can do about it now, we have a shit day ahead of us now we need to be a joined force here, think you can do that?" looking at Kerry shaking his head "what about you Kerry, what none of this is your fault ?" his voice rising "it is so easy for you isn't it?". Her eyes shooting darts at Lawson her face not betraying the way she felt none of it was easy for her she wanted Lawson and part of her wanted it to happen but now she wanted to forget it but here she was trying to help him in her way "Just get inside and act like the Senior sergeant you're meant to be, get it together". Watching his retrieving back striding back inside the guilt she felt she knew would be nothing like Lawson's he was the one with a girlfriend, the person who was in her team her voice soft barely audible answering the question he asked but not able to hear "it is my fault no it is hard" the answers she would not admit allowed to anyone.

Watching Kerry walk back inside Leon had seen Lawson a few minutes earlier storming back inside he heard the raised voices but unable to make a lot of sense from it, watching as Kerry walks in seeing her trying to regain her composure, she was trying to keep the team together but he was watching her try to keep it together, seeing Lawson walking to go upstairs he knows he should keep out of it "Lawson, maybe you should give Kerry a break, she is taking this all pretty hard, she doesn't need you having a go at her". Looking at the intel officer, who did he think he was trying to give him advice or speak to him about Kerry, he knew Kerry didn't put him up to it "Maybe you should mind your own business."

Walking back inside to the locker room seeing everyone there "10 minutes guys, then upstairs, grab a sheet on the table as you walk in" looking around avoiding Shannon's gaze "that is all of you, no excuses" walking out how was she going to sit there with her team for the next few hours

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Walking inside today was the kind of day she was glad was over getting the bottle of wine standing at the kitchen bench staring out at the lounge the memories of the previous night flooding back seeing the glasses on the table, walking over to pick them up closing her eyes she just wants to forget, for some reason she can't what if Shannon found out, what if the squad found out what on earth possessed her to sleep with Lawson. Putting her feet up getting out the computer getting a glass of wine, work to get her mind of it her eyes keep on focusing on the glasses tossing them across the room she needs to remain strong she can't fall apart


	3. Chapter 3 - Not again

_**A lot of this chapter is taken from the episodes but I have changed the ending to what could of happened. **_

…_**..**_

A FEW DAYS LATER

Walking into the communications room the whole team there but Josh, where was he "has josh called in" seeing Leon in front of the computer not looking at her "Didn't he ask for time off" looking straight at Leon "Yeah yeah he asked for compassionate leave and I said no so where is he" seeing them both ignore me "Leon where is he" seeing him look at her "you want me to find him … now" raising her eyes at him "yeah yeah"

All this stuff to do with Russians, Lawson going to see Doug Rainey how did he get what he got out of Doug, even now Lawson surprised her, well she shouldn't be surprised by what he did or able to get. She really couldn't care less about Doug or any of the Raineys "you want me to base an main police investigation on the word of Doug Rainey, walking still with Lawson and Charlie Lawson looking at Kerry "it makes sense he's risking his arse stealing cemtex for this mob, using Liam as leverage" looking at Lawson "do I give a shit that is the prick that assaulted my son" Charlie following "Kerry we don't have a lot of choice, we have to find these explosives" leaning against the wire wall as Lawson looks at Kerry and Charlie "if we find Liam if gives us Doug in the palm of our hand" looking around it was hard for her "to say ok" watching as Lawson walks away if anyone had heard from Josh she was sure Lawson had "Hey Lawson, Have you heard from Josh?" seeing him shake his head was he telling the truth looking at him "I just got a call, seems Sergeant Brendon Joshua just paid Urie Grinkel in remand demanding information about who shot Michael" staring straight at Lawson her mouth firm seeing him staring back at her remaining in control as he says "so what is the problem" looking at him there were many problems at the moment this one she didn't need anymore than sleeping with Lawson. She was sure that Lawson could find him or heard from him he was as she thought trying to find information on Michael's killer she needed Josh to come back to base" just find Josh and bring him in will ya" walking away from Lawson the squad was falling apart and she was not going to let that happen.

How was he expected to find Josh he knew what Josh was like, was Kerry trying to make life impossible for him and petty like she could be, walking into the communications room sitting next to Leon staring at the screen, he had to turn to Leon for help, even Tash hadn't heard from him, they couldn't get a position on his phone as it wasn't turned on, whatever the phone coming on for short periods of time nothing, as Leon said "whatever Josh is up to he doesn't want you to find him" it was true but he hoped he could find him soon maybe Kerry was right Josh was up to something but he already knew that .

Looking at the screen who would of thought Doug Rainey would help the police but he was more scared of the Russians than of us, the photo staring at us, watching it as Leon can not find out who he is seeing Lawson leaning against the desk away from her, was this how it was going to be from now on, hearing Leon say "here he goes again" after Leon explaining it was Josh looking at the screen as Lawson walks closer "Oh Josh what are you up to" it was more to herself but Leon answered "doing the same thing that we are doing Kerry, looking for the people who shot Michael, knowing Josh he will probably get there before we do" feeling Lawson standing next to her staring at the screen. As Amber walks in, turning to watch Lawson walk out, who was here to see him.

Walking up to Tash "where's Josh" looking at her "we don't know" hearing her say "what do you mean you don't know" it was a pretty good question "at the moment we are trying to track him down" it wasn't a good answer but we knew nothing as she said "he called me 20 minutes ago" that was better than nothing "what did he say" he said he loved me" they couldn't tell her anything when she asked what was going on, they didn't know what was going on with him

Finally Leon got a signal on Josh's calling out to Lawson "I got him" but nothing there they found his mobile but opening up the truck the blood there Stella saying "they have got Josh" Lawson not wanting to believe it this was Josh he did know how to look after himself he was sure of that "hang on search the whole area first" Josh was more than capable of looking after himself he would this time too he just had to. Maybe Josh just didn't want to be found, and as Leon said he would no doubt find Michael's killers before us but knowing Josh what would he do he was off on his own, would it of made a difference if she gave him what he wanted why couldn't he obey the rules, she thought they had gotten over it.

Watching as the bomb squad goes through the place the stuff for a dirty bomb, what has Josh stumbled on. Talking to Leon maybe the photo held the key and they would find Josh "have you got an id on the photo yet" as Leon says "yeah I'm working on it" hearing Lawson's voice come through the coms "hurry up he has to be behind it, we find him we find Josh"

Getting out of the car back at base, Stella talking "where does this leave Josh if he has been exposed to all of this readioactive shit" walking back with Shannon and Stel he doesn't want to think about it, Josh could of gotten out ofthere"oh can we not go there lets just concentrate on what we're got at the moment" and it was something to keep his mind occupied away from Kerry and what had happened Stella then saying "what's that Josh missing and Michael dead" hearing Shannon say "Stel" he knew where it was going, she wanted to take it out on Liam Rainey as much as he hated the Rainey's and knew Kerry hated them even more they couldn't do it, he would love to take his frustration and guilt out on something anything. Feeling Shannon's eyes on him as they walk on he wanted to say something to her anything but he couldn't what could he say.

Watching as Lawson strides in wondering if Leon had found anything on the face on the screen, pushing him for information to find anything. A smile on his face as Amber finds out what Leon couldn't all day, as Kerry walks over looking at the screen ignoring Lawson the presence of him around, why was it him near her made her heart flutter it made her feel something she had kept those feelings hidden for so long she didn't want them here again, watching as Lawson walks away turning to Leon "pull up all the street cameras in the area see what you can find" walking away not a word nothing, but then what was he meant to say, in a way it was easy this way him working more for Charlie than her. It still didn't make it any easier she had to admit it she had feelings for him and had the whole time, the problem now was that she had acted on them they both had and she wanted them to go away for them to vanish and Lawson to stop coming into the communications room how could she tell him that without arousing suspicion he was trying to push Leon something she had asked him to do.

Walking into the locker room Stella still on them getting us one by one, having a go at Christian the team was falling apart, he was avoiding Kerry and trying to keep up the happy façade with Shannon that nothing was wrong, turning to Stella "come on lets go" even with Stella the way she was, it would keep their mind off everything and making conversation with Shannon.

Finding the address heading out, hearing Leon's voice that Josh's car just left that address and there was someone in the car, was it Josh, did they want it to be Josh or not. Staring at the screen as Josh's car was out of range. When Leon said that he had found Josh's car she didn't want to think about it she had hope before with Michael and it failed she didn't want to give up hope. Josh was on a mission somewhere they were going to bring him back Lawson was going to bring him back safe she just had to believe that.

Driving towards it seeing the smoke billowing in the air, Josh's car on fire the heat pushing him away from it, then we all see it the hand on the window and Stella says "one by one" it can't be Josh not his best friend the shock on all their faces as we watch his car go up in flames.

Watching Lawson arrive at the scene deep down she had expected something bad to happen, as much as she didn't want to admit it. Closing her eyes before opening them the car alight it can't be Josh in the car, no until they know for sure she will wait. The shock though on her face turning to see Leon and Amber their faces mirroring hers none of them wanted this what was Josh up to.

Walking into the locker room Lawson his head down all their heads down "can I have a word" as he follows Kerry down the hall way he followed her out walking down the corridor before she turns and looks at Lawson "is it Josh" it was so hard for her to say "The body is badly burnt there is no id yet" biting her lips as she continues "it is male same height and build" staring as Lawson walks away she wants to say more knowing how it will affect him knowing what Josh meant to him, putting her head down she now had to tell the team as Lawson walked into the locker room. Telling them all was hard it never got any easier, watching as Stella walks out then Christian there was not much more she could do in the end It was only Shannon and her left she couldn't be in the room with her how she hated this part of the job on top of that the dirty bomb that was made or being made in the city.

Walking out of base he couldn't stay to hear Kerry tell the team, Josh was like a brother to him he knew him, they had been in the squad and formed it together, he had known Sergeant Brendon Joshua for years. It couldn't be Josh, it had to be wrong. Hearing the phone ring ignoring it he didn't' want to speak to anyone, not Shannon, not Kerry he wanted to be by himself time to do what he didn't know, it just couldn't be Josh he was like a brother to him.

Driving past forensics stopping and watching seeing them go over every part of the car, when will they hear something more anything.

Sitting in the car it wasn't long before he saw Tash open the front door, getting out of the car putting one foot in front of the other it took all his effort to walk up the pathway entering the door he didn't need to say anything Tash could see it in his eyes "we don't know for sure we are still waiting" he couldn't say the rest, though he doubt Tash would know she had worked in the hospital long enough.

Walking over to the lounge "what happened?" how was he to tell her that the body is burnt beyond recognition his eyes down "Josh's car was found burnt, there is a body in the car" seeing Tash bite her lips knowing he didn't need to go on pulling her towards him, his best mate could be dead looking into her eyes feeling her lips upon his as his hands cradle his face pulling away from her "I'm sorry" what is happening to him even through his grief he had to pull away this was Josh's girlfriend, wrapping his arms around her shoulder pulling her against him.

Looking up a short time later seeing Minka staring at them "what's going on here, what you are you doing with Lawson?" looking up at Minka moving away from Lawson "Mink?" looking at both of them, he can't leave where was he to go, he felt close to Josh here seeing the worry in Minka's eyes "Where's Josh?"

Hearing his phone ringing the following morning, what time did he fall asleep they sat up for ages talking, looking up as Minka comes in her voice loud "you're meant to be Josh's best friend, he's been missing for one day and you're trying to crack on to my mum" looking up at Minka "It isn't like that, I slept on the couch as I was worried about your mum". Hearing the yelling looking up seeing Tash standing at the door "Minka that's enough" seeing Minka turn to her mum "you expect me to believe that, You're a slut". Looking up at Tash seeing her look at him "I'm fine Lawson, just go" nodding at Tash, not wanting to leave her "I'll let you know as soon as we hear anything"

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sitting at her cubicle, everyone had left for the day they were still waiting for news on the id of the body in Josh's car when she first came in that morning, she was trying to remain optimistic throughout the day remaining in control and strong she couldn't show her emotions, even when the team thought that Josh was dead she had to remain positive Christian said "and Josh" no I wasn't going to be Josh until we id that body we assume that Josh it still out there I don't buy it josh knows what he is doing he wouldn't go off line as well Christian Christian this is a bloody difficult situation for everyone lets deal with it one step at a time , a deflated team, they had lost another team member even she was starting to believe that. Did they know she turned him down that Josh had asked for the time off she had said no, why had she said no, was it because she knew Josh well, she knew that Josh thought Michael wasn't up to it, he had said so did Josh blame himself, he was with him when Michael went in the car with the Raineys all they could do now is wait, the others gone home after she told them the latest. What did I say to Lawson "it was his idea wasn't mine "as Lawson said "Can't say I disagree with him" as I walked away "it's a calculated risk" I was so sure that they both could handle it. She can still remember the phone call she got when her hope and optisimism started to go, it didn't last long that phone call seeing Leon turn around to look at her when she hung up they were all waiting for answers "um forsenics have completed the report on Josh's car" I knew what Leon would say "Have they id'd the body" shaking my head trying not to let my eyes betray me trying to remain strong "No not yet, they have found some blood on the back o the car and it is a match with Josh's blood type" I had to watch Leon walk out of the room putting my head in her hands I had to admit it wasn't looking good.

Life was unfair, we helped Doug Rainey the previous day he gave us something in return in the end, but why should I care about Doug Rainey, Lawson wanted an investigation based on him "do I give a shit that the prick that assaulted my son" I agreed but why should Liam get to live when Michael didn't.

Sitting at her cubicle rubbing her hand across her head she was tired waiting to hear looking up seeing Lawson walk up to her "any news?" shaking her head "I think you should just go home, I'll

let you know as soon as I hear something anything" looking at Kerry he couldn't go home he needed to be here or somewhere "has anyone told Tash?" shaking her head was she meant to tell her "We don't know for sure yet the body is Josh's there is nothing new" she didn't say what she thought it didn't' look good. Looking at Kerry Tash had come in earlier to speak to him to see if he knew anymore, "She should be told" walking out of Tactical Response.

Knocking on the door again seeing Tash answer it her eyes searching his shaking his head "we haven't heard anything much, the body is a male though, same height" Watching as she tries to remain in control "there is still hope it isn't Josh" nodding at Lawson she had been around the hospital long enough to know bullshitting "you wouldn't be here again if you didn't think it was Josh"

What was he to say that he didn't want to go back to his place, Kerry kicked him out of Tactical Response that he felt a duty, he had to do something for Josh. He needed to get back to base though, would she be alright part of him wanted to stay here, but he wanted to go back to base to be there when Kerry found out "do you need anything" shaking her head "Minka will be home soon"

Walking back to the car glancing at the house, part of him feels he should stay with Tash but he needs to be there when Kerry hears, driving back to base he finds himself driving past the scene again he had gone to the scene briefly before just staring at the burnt out shell of the car watching and hoping he saw the forensics there taking photos it can't be Josh seeing them still there packing up they should know soon, ending up back at the base again.

Seeing Kerry's car still there he knew she would be here, walking in, seeing her sitting at her cubicle a drink in her hand the bottle next to her, he only had to look at her to see how the toll of it all was affecting her, she looked tired and exhausted, seeing her look up at him surprise on her face.

Hearing a noise, she looks up at the familiar face at her cubicle "I thought I told you to go home" nodding she did but he hardly ever did what she told him anyway "I never listen to you anyway" " seeing her shake her head her eyes looking at him tiredness in them "Lawson just go home, to Shannon's get drunk, I will let you know when I hear" the problem was he didn't want to go he couldn't be around Shannon at the moment he didn't want to be home alone his voice firm "I'm not going anywhere". Raising her eyes at him "it could be a while before I hear anything" nodding at Kerry pulling the chair closer to the desk, he wanted to drink he just didn't want to be alone, pouring himself a drink with Kerry seeing her wipe her hand across her eyes sadness in them yet again "bloody Josh why can't he take an order" taking a sip more like a gulp "he is doing what most of us want to do go after the people who killed Michael" he didn't want to be found this was Josh we were talking about he was like a brother to him feeling his world crumbling around him.

Walking out to the table the cubicle getting cramped sitting there the empty bottles of beer, wine how many had they gone through hearing her mobile ring "Superintendent Vincent" how she even managed to say, walking away from the table amazing she could even walk, her mouth open in shock as she hears she had hoped for the best more than anything, turning around she sees Lawson look at her, her face saying it all etched in grief hearing Lawson's voice "The body was Josh's" nodding "they just confirmed it, they had to get dental records as the body" stopping regaining her composure "it was burnt pretty badly" turning to face Lawson the tears forming "oh shit"

Looking at Kerry he had hoped the news would be good the body wouldn't be Josh the look on her face he didn't really even need to ask, his best friend his mate more like a brother, seeing the grief on her face moving towards her, pulling her towards him, she had lost another team member he knew she had refused his leave but Josh was Josh

Looking up at Lawson feeling his arms around her why did this happen staring at him seeing her a longing in his eyes, she can't go there again they slept each other not long ago.

Looking at Kerry her blue eyes maintaining his gaze her mouth just there so tempting he knew he shouldn't but his body had other ideas. Cradling her face in his hands, moving her lips towards his as his hand cups her face kissing her heavily responding back the grief they both share the kissing getting heavier feeling his hand moving under her shirt moving around her stomach and breasts her hands under his shirt, the kissing getting feverent their hands moving around the hair, body and face.

Moving slightly away from him looking into his eyes she can't go there, she can't sleep with him again, it wasn't that far off, she had to resist be in control of her emotions. Her voice soft "Don't Lawson ….. I'll see you tomorrow". Watching as she picks up her bag walking out of the station what just happened if she didn't pull away he knew he would of slept with her again why was it that he wanted to sleep with Kerry again. Turning at the door worry in her eyes about Lawson she knew what Josh meant to him how well they got on "you going to be ok" looking up at Kerry did she want him to answer that her eyes searching his looking through them "I'll just stay here and have a few more drinks" her eyes moving around she knew she should leave but she couldn't leave Lawson here not in the way he was shaking her head "a few more only" .

Walking into her cubicle picking up her car keys and bag, the lights turned off in darkness with only minimal light filtering through turning around seeing Lawson silhouette in the shadows moving towards her his hands against the wall, turning around facing him her eyes looking up at his before moving around her voice soft "what are you doing?" seeing his eyes staring into hers as his face movers closer to hers, feeling his finger upon her lip "don't talk" before his lips meet hers.

Feeling his kissing intensifying all rational thoughts going out her head, she wants to push him away move away but she can't. Feeling her hand moving to wrap around him moving against the wall her breathing becoming heavier looking up into his eyes "this shouldn't be happening" only to be silenced by his lips.

Feeling Lawson's lips upon hers as much as she had to drink she can't do it not again pushing him away gently looking up at him seeing his eyes searching hers, feeling vulnerable she wants him so much shaking her head "we can't do this Lawson, this is my office" seeing a cheeky grin on his face "there are plenty more places that we can continue" the thought so tempting she wants him so much yet here he was still going out with Shannon looking up at him "what about Shannon? Your stil going out with her, I can't do it to her Lawson. Go home, go to Shannon" moving closer to Kerry his hands reaching out moving her hair away from her "I don't want to go home, I want you now" moving closer to her, taking a deep breath all of her self control pushing his hand away rubbing her hand across her face she was tired and as much as she wanted to stay here her tongue moving around her lips feeling his hands on her face, can she resist him her eyes moving around not able to look at him.


	4. Chapter 4 - It wouldn't work would it?

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Moving his hand away from her face she wants to say she can't do it the words are not coming out instead seeing something in his eyes hearing his voice soft and low "I know you want this too Kerry" looking up at him, her eyes searching his face "look what happened last time" his mouth coming closer to her his voice so soft and sexy "it was good though" a smile appearing on her face the smile that brightens up her face shit she was so damn gorgeous she didn't even realise it moving closer to her, his hands moving under her shirt pulling her shirt down "I'll see you tomorrow"

Walking down her corridor her shoes echoing through the empty building her breathing coming under control how easy it would be to let go of her feelings, walking into showers, looking at the mirror running her hand through her hair and across her eyes shit Lawson what are you doing to me. Turning the light off looking up didn't he give up seeing his eyes staring into hers, like an xray scanning them seeing his mouth move down to hers his kiss so soft and gentle moving away centimetres from hers his forehead touching hers damn what is he doing to her feeling his hand moving up her shirt before down it, her hand reaching out turning the lights off. Her arm wrapping around his neck pulling his lips down to her kissing him hungrily feeling his hands moving down her body the moan escaping her lips as her head tilts backwards slightly all rational thoughts leaving her mind.

Picking up her things a while later facing Lawson "never again" she was screwed as it was without screwing Lawson again her life spinning out of control yet again this time she was Superintendent she needed to stay in control and keep the team together.

Watching Kerry pick up her bag walking out of the change room he wasn't thinking about any consequences or his actions he wasn't thinking much at all, Josh was dead his best friend, drinking trying to blot out what was happening he knew he should of gone home but unable to he was drawn to Kerry even when she pushed him away he wanted her, was it because she was a challenge to him, she was his boss did he actually have feelings for her, he did care for her but was it more. Banging his hand against the wall his life was starting to fall apart the one good thing he had for a while Shannon he was throwing it away and at the moment he didn't even care.

OOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A few days later

Walking out of base he had to get out of there Josh's funeral was so raw still, coming to work each day knowing that Josh wasn't there Kerry had given him time off was it more so she didn't have to face him, it wasn't long ago that it was Michael's funeral. Ever since he had slept with Kerry he couldn't be around Shannon for long the guilt eating away at him. Walking around he needed to clear his head not only had he cheated on Shannon by sleeping with Kerry once he had done it again even when Kerry pushed him away he came back wanting more from her, closing his eyes he can still remember the change room Kerry against the wall how much had they both to drink . Walking around he couldn't go home or to Shannon's he had lost his best friend, in two weeks 2 members of his team had died, could he have stopped Josh going off after Michael's killer he would never know.

Hearing a knock on the door, opening it the surprise on her face "What are you doing here?" looking at her "I just had to see you" following her inside seeing her look at him no doubt wondering what he was doing here what was he, could he say it, the past few weeks had made him realise a few things and not take thing for granted life was too short.

Looking at Lawson what was he doing here walking over to the bench pouring herself another glass of wine "Lawson what are you doing here?" looking at Kerry what was he "I can't stop thinking about you and the other night, I thought I must have dreamt it"

Her eyes moving side to side around the room she can't go there not again "Lawson we have work tomorrow?" looking at Kerry he had to see her "Kerry we have work 5 to 7 days a week, what am I missing out of here" looking at Lawson before her eyes moving down "it was wrong what happened, you're going out with someone else, someone in my team" looking at Kerry she couldn't look at him "I'm going to tell her" seeing the worried/shock look on her face "I'm not going to tell its you" pausing before continuing "she doesn't deserve this I know, I don't want to be someone who hurts her, but I can't…" walking around the room listening to Lawson she doesn't want him to tell or break up with Shannon turning to face him "what if what happened is ….. a one off….. you know a sort of completion of all that has happened" then looking at Lawson "a type of resolve" looking at Kerry as she faces him "is that what if felt like Kerry a completion" her tongue moving around her mouth she didn't know, she had wanted him for so long but never thought it would happen again her voice barely a whisper and soft "wasn't' it?" touching her arm he felt something there "it felt like a start to me" turning to walk away did she not feel it too.

Walking out the back looking around the sun had set the sky lit up in the afterglow, feeling Lawson's presence she didn't know what to think she thought she might leave what did he want, did she want more before seeing him leaning against the pole "what do you want" looking at Kerry staring into her eyes "you I think". Her mouth open did she hear him right looking at his face he was wrong she wasn't right for him he needed someone else "it wouldn't work, we would just argue all the time" looking at Kerry intensely her gaze not moving he wanted her to be with her "we do already" her eyes moving around before facing him why was he doing this why did he want to leave Shannon she was his boss "I just can't take the risk" his eyes not moving from hers, he wasn't going to give up moving closer to her "Kerry everything's a risk ….. everything the past few weeks….." Looking at him before her eyes moving down for a moment she wants to say yes but why couldn't she "I have to admit my instincts do say yes but there is some part of me, some part of higher intelligence of me that says no" seeing Kerry's eyes move back meeting his her arms moving around her tongue moving around her lips those lips he wanted to kiss her moving his arm to the pole closer to her "I must admit you should just forget about your higher intelligence here and go with your feelings here" Shaking her head wanting to follow her feelings her eyes down "I dunno …. Just think about my history" biting her lips she had 2 failed marriages then there was Boyd looking up seeing Lawson's face closer "its … it will get us into trouble" seeing Lawson closer his voice soft "what sort of trouble" any more answers silenced by his lips as they reach her lips before moving neck moving away slightly the feel of him against her body any thought leaving her she had wanted him for so long would it work "I don't know if I can take a risk on it" seeing Lawson not move away his mouth close from hers his voice barely a whisper "want me to show you why" before his lips reach hers.

Feeling Lawson's hands move over her body can she do it again his lips silencing anything she was going to say. Seeing Lawson move very slightly away still centimetres from her mouth "still can't take a risk" pulling his lips towards her for the time forgetting everything.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo

Walking into base the following morning, he had to tell Shannon he couldn't live with the guilt anymore he had spent the night with Kerry and slept with her again this time it meant something really special he can still see her standing near him as her clothes fell to the floor, he lips on his it was amazing and he realised he did want to be with her and he wanted to do it again and again he realised he wouldn't tell her it was Kerry, hoping she wouldn't guess. Seeing Shannon already there, damn he didn't think she would be there that early. His eyes looking forward hearing her call her name "Did you go to Kerry's again?" it was so easy to say no that she went to Tash shaking his head "I just walked around … I went and saw Tash" looking at Lawson "How is she, how is she going?" not even looking at Shannon "how do you think Shan?" pausing "she's fine" looking at Lawson "how is she coping" getting slightly pissed "oh christ, what did I just say Shan" looking at her boyfriend what was wrong with him he hardly spent any time with her now turning to face him "did something happen between you and Tash?" looking at Shannon unable to answer, maybe it was better to think he slept with Tash shaking his head no he couldn't do that to her or Josh she was going through enough "It did didn't, Lawson something happened was it with Tash?"shaking his head as much as it was a way out and letting Kerry off, he couldn't do it to her, what if Tash found out he just couldn't do it to her or to Josh "Just leave it" facing Lawson not moving "Lawson just tell me, something has happened" why won't she just stop it "Shannon I didn't push you when you wanted space or whatever you want" his voice rising "so just leave it" confusion in her eyes there was something about him a look there something he wasn't telling her "This is not the same Lawson, why are you so defensive" walking away from her he was getting really pissed off at her for pushing it hearing her call out "Lawson just tell me, talk to me" turning to face her trying not to let any emotions show "I don't know what happened" seeing Shannon's eyes upon him it was like she knew "don't just say it" looking at Shannon he had to his eyes slightly down "… I fucked someone else?" as soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted it seeing the hurt on her face but he pushed her, it wasn't the way he wanted her to find out watching as she walks away turning to face him "Was it Tash?" seeing him shake his head "who is she?" shaking his head hoping his eyes and face didn't give him away "it doesn't matter it was no one really" even as the words came out of his mouth he hoped his face didn't give him away as it was someone, someone he slept with a few times.

Watching as Lawson walks away the hurt there, she shouldn't of pushed him did she really want to know who was it, was it really no one that she knew.

Driving around trying to maintain a smile snapping at everyone how could Lawson do that to her, grateful he changed it so he wasn't in the car with her. Was it really no one she knew who was it that her boyfriend cheated and slept with going through it all day her thoughts consumed by it all the hurt there, she wanted to curl up go home and just drink, she didn't' want to think about it, her mind kept wondering who he had slept with. Getting Stella to stop the car, she had to throw up how could Lawson do that to her.

Going through it all day her mind kept coming back to one thing, he had spent a lot of time with Kerry lately, remembering the conversation she had with Stella a couple of years ago "they definitely had something going" she's hot, and she was even if she was 45 it wasn't that much older than Lawson now it was in her mind she couldn't stop thinking about it she had to know, turning to Stella "do you think Lawson would sleep with Kerry?".

Looking at Shannon what was going on she hadn't been herself all day she had been strange lately but today she was worse than ever "What's going on Shan?" looking at Stella she can't tell her what she is thinking or what Lawson said "Just forget it ….. do you think Lawson still has feelings for Kerry?"

Glancing at Shannon was she worried or had something happened "Shan Lawson is so into you, he loves you not Kerry that is in the past, there was something between ages ago but not now" looking ahead and not at Stella, even Stella didn't really know for sure was he still in love with her, she had pushed him away did he turn to someone else and who was she.

Hearing Shannon snap at everyone during the day the question she asked her earlier did something happen between Kerry and Lawson or was she just paranoid "Shan if you think something happened or happening ask him" turning to Stella could she confide in her she didn't want her private life broadcasted but she wanted to tell someone she was going crazy "he cheated on me Stella" her mouth wide open, did she hear correct Lawson Mr so straight and narrow her eyes wide "are you sure?" nodding that much she was sure was it Tash, Kerry or someone else why did she want to know "just forget it" looking at her friend could she say it out loud "Lawson told me he had slept with someone else, part of me just knows it is Kerry, he has spent a few nights with her or going over to her place" driving back to base both deep in thought "If it was Kerry, I don't think Lawson will tell you, I don't think he would go there Shan, this is Kerry we're talking about" nodding at her friend would either of them go there he didn't think Lawson would but would Kerry?.

Watching Lawson walking into the locker room at the end of the shift seeing him practically ignore her it had been eating away at her all day how could he do it, did it actually mean anything to her yes he cheated on her but she loved him. Watching as Christian walks out, seeing Stella give a smile to her "Lawson" seeing him look up turning to look at her , her planned speech going out of her head "Was it Kerry you fucked?".

Shit hoping his face remains neutral shaking his head hearing her voice "Just say it Lawson" stopping on the spot with Shannon in front of him "I dunno what happened I'm sorry Shan" shaking her head at him "don't …. Bullshit" turning away she was still sure it was Kerry watching as Lawson walks out, sitting on the table in the middle of the locker room her breath coming in ragged breaths blinking back the tears, walking over to the lockers banging them before flinging them on the floor after finishing biting her lips putting her head on her hands Lawson was her rock how could he do this.

Hearing a noise running into the locker room, looking around the second time Shannon had done this, hearing Lawson arrive a moment later "Shit, what's happening?" looking around her eyes full of concern "is it Lawson, did something happen with you and Lawson?"

Seeing Kerry at the door, why was she so sure it was her that Lawson fucked was it instinct or the fact he was so evasive about it all why couldn't she leave it instead of finding out who it was because it mattered to her it mattered to know if it was Kerry it would be one betrayal that she doubt she could get over "Did you screw Lawson?"

Trying not to show the shock on her face from Shannon's question what did she know, glancing at Lawson her eyes moving side to side before shaking her head "What? … what you are talking about"

Seeing the glance that Kerry gave Lawson "Bull shit, were you the one that Lawson cheated on me with?" Looking at Kerry and Shannon he didn't think that she would ask Kerry, turning to face her mouthing "I'm sorry" before facing Shannon "Shan, don't do this ….. it was some ….. random person"

Her eyes fixed on Lawson not moving, she still didn't believe him was it she wanted it to be Kerry or the fact it would be made worse "I don't believe you"

Looking at Shannon and Lawson biting her lips "Clean this up before you leave" looking at both of them "Keep your personal shit away from the team"

Walking back into the locker room a short time later, she didn't want to be with Shannon but the guilt she felt about sleeping with one of her team members boyfriend the shock she hid when Shannon came out and asked her "You ok" looking up at Kerry suspiciously why did it keep going through her mind would her boss actually do that to her looking at Kerry "It was you wasn't it?" looking at Shannon what was she to say "Look Shannon this job is hard it is not for a woman if you can't focus or keep your personal life out of it …" looking at Kerry she hadn't answered her question "Look at me Kerry, did you screw my boyfriend the question is simple". Looking at Shannon what was she to say it wasn't simple shaking her head slightly "I'm going to forget this happened, but…. Shannon I'm your boss and Lawson's just remember that" before walking out.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Walking inside her townhouse the funeral of both Josh and Michael now over a few days now what sort of leader was she to lose two team members within ten days, seeing Tash there Lawson sitting next to her. He had so many good qualities on top of being a smart arse he did care about his team. She was worried that he would not cope she knew how close there were, did he know what he was up to before he went off.

Answering the door seeing Lawson standing there she did have a crush on him for such a long time never imagining it would mount to more. Holding up a bottle of wine "want to join me" nodding at him pulling him inside feeling his lips upon hers looking up at him "I'll get the glasses"

Sitting on the lounge Lawson next to her, she wanted him and wanted to be with him but after today the doubts came back it wouldn't' work out, she couldn't have anyone find out what had happened between them, as much as she wanted to feel his lips against hers to lie in bed with him feeling him moving closer to her his lips upon hers she needs to be strong, pushing him gently away "I can't do it Lawson …. Today…. With Shannon ….." looking at Kerry searching her eyes "Shannon doesn't know it is you" raising her eyes at him "I think she does, she isn't going to give up Lawson, if she finds out ….." her voice trailing off could she ruin her career she knew she would tell everyone she was sure of it. "I don't think I can do it, Shannon is one of my team Lawson" reaching out to touch her trying to convince her "I don't want to be with her anymore, it is you I want, she'll get over it Kerry give her time, does it really matter if she guesses, it would die down" looking at Lawson in disbelief her eyes raised high "yes … I'm your superior and Shannon's … this is my job Lawson" getting up off the lounge she can't do it, she can't have Lawson try to convince her shaking her head "Lawson just go"

Looking at Kerry how could things go so wrong in so little time, just when it was starting it had finished turning to face her "what about taking a risk?" looking at Lawson her blue eyes piercing through him "just go"

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo

Hearing the gun shots over the phone her relief only short lived when she heard Lawson's voice again soon after, relief flooding through her that it wasn't him that was shot how did all of this happen it was meant to be secure, now this. Watching the screen the camera finally inside where the fuck was Lawson trying to control herself her heart beating faster she had heard the gun shots but there was only the one and his voice was he the one shot, she nearly stopped breathing her mouth open with shock her eyes glued to the screen "where's Lawson" looking at Leon her eyes narrowing as he tries to figure out which way they were going, he better not stuff up after the stunt he pulled today here. Watching the screen seeing Leon look at it as he realises that they had put it on a circuit and it was going round, where was Lawson was he now with the cuckoo at the mercy of him somewhere in the building, this was Leon's job her eyes on the screen and Leon she needed him to find Lawson and now. Leon better find where he is looking as he types away at the computer, she knew that look listening to him talking to Charlie her eyes burning through him he better not stuff this up seeing him suddenly realise that they were at the wrong entrance her eyes glaring at him. As the cameras from the lane appear and the van Charlie better not stuff this up, he better get Lawson out of there.

Watching as they walk out of the building the fear there trying to keep it back her eyes searching the them "I can't see Lawson" where was he, he had to be there did he do something to him, the relief still short lived as she hears Shannon's voice "Lawson is there" he is with the cuckoo the situation just as dangerous, this man had already killed Michael and the police minister who else would he kill, he had also made this friggin bomb that they needed to find.

Her eyes glued to the screen as the gun shot is fired it doesn't take long to realise the cuckoo is down, damn Charlie wanting to toss the head phones across the room where is the friggin bomb now how is she going to find it. Walking away from the screen running her hands across her eyes she didn't want to admit how scared she was the thought of losing Lawson were her feelings that strong towards him.

Waiting as the TR cars came back seeing Lawson hop out, relief flooding through her she had to admit when she thought Lawson could have been killed or kidnapped by the Cuckoo she had a fear, not like losing Michael or Josh a deep fear of losing someone she loved, someone she didn't want not to see, someone she wanted she had pushed Lawson away she couldn't do it to Shannon or was it she didn't want another failed relationship or she was just as hopeless with them as she was a mother.

The day was over Leon was still there, she was nearly by herself walking out to the locker room they were all leaving one by one to go home and get a few hours sleep, they all needed to be back early morning and on call, tomorrow was going to be a long day, hopefully by then bomb squad would know something, she doubted she would sleep be on call could she go home she wouldn't be able to switch off, watching as Lawson left his gaze meeting hers giving him a brief nod and a subtle point of the finger turning away hoping he will follow her.

Turning around seeing Lawson there, walking into her cubicle "Shit Lawson" not sure if she wanted to hit him or kiss him. Looking at Kerry she wasn't in control as she normally was bringing his hand up to stroke her chin "I'm ok" then with a cheeky grin "don't' actually tell me you care?" rolling her eyes at him "it is just all this paperwork that I keep on having to do" walking down the hallway glancing around opening the door to the storeroom, pulling her towards him "nothing is going to happen to me" then tilting her chin seeing her gaze upon him as he leans down his lips meeting hers briefly and softly his voice soft "I want to be with you Kerry" nodding at Lawson her voice soft "I think I want you too Lawson" seeing the smile on his face as his lips find hers, feeling his arms wrap around her feeling his hands move under her shirt. Hearing a grasp from the door, pulling away from him the look of shock on their faces "shit"


End file.
